What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
