Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We left the knife in your bed.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He? As in you personified your dick?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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