i just sent this text using only my big toe
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
