I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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