She announced her abortion via fbk
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
NoShamevember. You game?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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