This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
