I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
