low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
