Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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