I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
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