what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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