I seem to have left my pride at pride
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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