i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
