she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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