Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
