oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
