I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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