I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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