He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
