From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
