I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
