I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
