I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
