Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
