I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
