my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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