I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
