I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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