booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
