I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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