I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Randomize
