Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There are leaves in my underwear?
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