I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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