I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
