When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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