you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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