my phone needs a breathalizer
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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