Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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