you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
