just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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