I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
