Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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