Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
