i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
