I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Sacagawea was the original milf.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
