i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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