I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
