whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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