Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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