It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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