what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
