Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
