dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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