The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
