I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
