I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
