Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
